2019 Year in Review

2019 was truly the year of healing.

It was also about looking forward, not looking back. I wanted to truly believe my best days were ahead of me, not behind me.

It was truly a year of miracles.

I don’t know why but every year when I do my comprehensive review, searching for a theme that encapsulates that year, I get stumped. I try to collectively gather all of my thoughts, all of my emotions, feelings and experiences either good or bad, and package them with one word or phrase, and maybe therein lies my problem.

This year, I really had nothing to complain about. It was truly the year of healing after two devastating years that took such a toll on me and made me re-think and re-shape my life. But perhaps for the better, so it was not for nothing.

The last few weeks, I wasn’t sure why but I was almost afraid to admit what a blessed year 2019 was. I’ve had a horrible, lifelong habit of thinking that I’d be cursed by celebrating things too much or too soon, or afraid it’ll all turn on its head and affect me inversely in the negative. There, I said it.

I’ve been too afraid to look back on this year and admit it was one of the best years so far in my life. But at the same time I can’t help but think that just because you have one good year doesn’t automatically mean I deserve to be subjected to sorrow. That’s not how life works. Life isn’t doled out or measured by how many pluses or negatives you face. You don’t fill up one bucket and drain the other, or make them balanced.

After all, didn’t I face enough in 2017 and 2018? There’s nothing wrong with admitting how much God blessed me in 2019.

It truly was a meaningful year. It started off with me quitting my job in the Central Coast, where I slaved away three years of my life, the formative years of my 20s as I like to call it, where I was subjected to emotional and verbal abuse, got my heart broken multiple times and shed more tears than an ocean can fill.

Strangely I’ve always been afraid to celebrate the good times because I keep thinking of the impending doom. It’s like that age old adage that reminds us, when you’re afraid to die, you’re afraid to live. I always think that I don’t deserve to be happy or that my celebration will be short-lived and will be interrupted by something lurking in the future that could dismantle all of that.

When I have that kind of mindset, it shockingly warns me that I’m not allowing God to be in control but rather, the worries of this world.

2019 was the year I told myself I was going to quit living as if I’m of the world but rather, wanted to focus on the eternity promised once God calls me home. I wanted to make 2019 all about healing together with God, to make the most of what He’s blessed me with, to use the experiences he equipped me with, to feel His presence especially during the times I felt He was far away. I clung to God’s Word in times of need, rather than resorting to my own devices, and continued to allow my trials, tribulations and tears mold me into the person God wanted me to be.

In 2020 I want to let go of the insignificant stuff, let go of the anger, let go of the frustration and stop letting small things to get to me. I want to stop creating imaginary problems for myself that account for the majority of my anger and stress that really don't need to exist to begin with and never existed at all. I want to stop letting things bother me and understand that my priorities align with God and His Word, not the world or my own insecurities. 

I'm going to stop letting my own insecurities take over my life. I'm abandoning them in my past forever. They are going straight to the garbage. I don't need anyone else's approval except God's. I don't need anyone or anything else to tell me how I should be, look, feel, think, be seen as, presented as and whatever else. 

I'm going to continue to be healthy, to fill my body and my mind with healthy, wholesome nourishment, to not give into sloth, greed, gluttony and lust. I'm going to continue staying single until God thinks I'm ready to create a partnership that will bring my God more glory than anything else. I always find that when I put serving God in every aspect of my life a priority, everything else just happens to fall into place. 

I'm going to continue to align my purpose with God, and find a million different ways God is reaching out to me, and continue to look for those purposes that shape my destiny. 

I'm going to continue serving others, but put God's needs from me first. 

I like to think I grew up a lot the last decade. My 20s were very important. I accomplished and experienced so much, much more than I'd ever imagined and there were times I neglected to believe that it was God that allowed so much to happen for me. 

Aligning myself with the Word was an experience I’d never undertaken before in my life until my late 20s. I didn’t really start rigorously start practicing this until this year. It had to take overcoming obstacles to understand that it was all meant to change who I am inside.

I wanted 2019 to free me from these chains society placed on me, to break away from my own selfish ambitions and desires, and to live out my life for God. I wanted my life to be in His hands, I wanted to fully commit myself to Him and understand that there are sometimes doors that He closes, or prayers that He declines to answer or hear.

In the meantime, all I can do is trust His process, understand that God’s thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His plans are better than my plans.

My love for God flourished this year or at least, I worked towards making it grow more abundantly. I didn’t want to simply read the Word, I wanted to immerse myself in it, breathe in it and live in it.

I rejected the worldly ways of thinking, rejected my own selfish desires and instead, welcomed anything and everything God provided me with. If I wanted to go one way but He pointed towards another path, I immediately followed Him. It wasn’t about me anymore. This year was the first year I ever realized that this bigger picture, God’s plan and purpose, had nothing to do with me but everything to do with Him and what He needed from me. For the first time this year, I prayed a prayer, mountain-moving prayers, to tell Him, “Use me however you see fit.” I didn’t care what the task was for the day—all I wanted to do was please God.

I made every single moment of each day in my life about God, and nothing else. I worked towards abandoning old habits that made me too much of the world and not enough like God. And I’ll continue to do so in 2020. I learned to let go and let God.

I also took time to reflect and look upon the last few years of my life, the times where I struggled, and put on a brand new pair of glasses that provided me with brand new insight and perspective. I felt chills when I’d pray aloud to God in my car as I started my commute to and from work each day, was moved to tears listening to “Heaven Song” by Phil Wickham after realizing that my God will never forsake me.

I had to experience all the trials and climb those uphill battles the last few years to understand really just how much God loved me and worked through me. There were times I felt and thought He let things fall through the cracks, but little did I know he had already filled those cracks with cement long before I even knew things were falling apart. I just had to believe the cement was there the whole time even though I initially didn’t know it. Jesus was my Rock.

I knew what it meant to hit rock bottom, and how glad I become when I hit rock bottom because, once you hit bottom, that’s where you find your Rock.

I felt I didn’t deserve all of these blessings in 2019. There were times where I still doubted myself and didn’t think I deserved to heal. There were moments of weakness where I’d look back and let old memories anger me, but I prayed to God that I wouldn’t be like Lot’s wife.

There are so much more beyond this lifetime on earth that awaits us, God would tell me. Keep your eyes ahead.

And that’s what I hope I accomplished this year. All I wanted to do was make my God proud of me. Yes there were moments of temptation and weakness, and I reminded God every day that “I can’t do this alone.”

The only equation that mattered in 2019 was this: without God, we can accomplish nothing. But with God, anything is possible. All I had to do was believe.

We are saved by grace through faith and mercy. We have faith because God allowed us to have faith. We believe because He allowed us to believe. He chose me to be His child, to be saved, to follow in His footsteps, and to call Him my heavenly Father even though there were so many times in my life I proved to be undeserving of any of that.

My God proved to be permanent but not complacent, revolutionizing, unpredictable at times, but first and foremost my best friend, closest confidante, and my God that I can lean on no matter what the weather.

My God this year proved that all I had to do was keep my eye on Him during the stormiest weather, because He is the eye of the storm.

My God gave me another blessed year with family and friends, allowed me to continue creating memories.

My God helped me realize that my social life, money, and simple gratifications in life or things the world thinks are desirable aren’t really what make me happy anymore. I don’t care about money, clothes, cars, social events and other things anymore. My true happiness lies within the laurels of blessings my God provided to me, and spending time with Him.

That’s my goal in the new decade—to continue to fight for God, to fight against the temptations of this world, to continue to reject the worldly notions and ways of living, and living out my full potential and purpose for God. I want to become the individual God wants me to be, and plans for me to be. I’m ready to continue growing and expanding in my faith, to continue soldiering on, and keeping my eye on Him.

Don’t collect treasures on earth—collect treasures in Heaven, for that is where your Heart shall be. That’s what God always taught us. There were times I didn’t know what that truly meant, but I think I have an idea now.

I want to continue to serve others, turn the other cheek even when I feel frustrated or wronged, to let go of anger, to let go of the past, and continue marching on in my faith. As I continue to cling to God for support and love, I’ll continue to only do as I’m told, not by what I desire.

I’m in a relationship with God. Nobody else. I told myself in 2019, that’s how I will live my life, and I abided by it, and I’m so happy that I did. I have no regrets. See what happens when you just listen to God and His plans, and not just do things on your own or by your own selfish volition? You end up having no regrets.

I plan on continuing to have no regrets, and plan to continue focusing on myself, and my relationship with Christ. I plan to continue coming to terms with my past, living out my present and understanding that God allows everything to happen for a reason. He wants me to get closer with Him, not further away. Oftentimes, He will use experiences and events to test my faith, to see if I’d continue following Him no matter what the weather. I hope that He continues to equip me with everything that I need to continue facing whatever uphill battles might face me, or enough faith and love to celebrate the joyous triumphs.

My God’s love truly knows no bounds. I want a fire to continue to light up my soul, to never let that burning passion of absolutely raw faith dug from deep inside my heart, to let it burst out. I never want to stop singing praises toward the God who blessed me so much in my life, even during times of heartache. He is truly my Savior. I no longer want to let my emotions and feelings to lead my behavior and my path in life, I want my faith to navigate it instead in 2020 and in the new decade.

God, you gave me a lovely, meaningful, wonderful 2020. You allowed the storms of my past finally die down, and you helped apply antiseptic to all of my cuts, abrasions and bruises. You helped me get up and walk, you helped me drink from sweeter waters, and my soul continues to get restless for the place I truly belong—not this earth, but in heaven with You.

You answered my prayers in an infinite number of ways. You led me out of my last workplace, a region where I felt so much pain, suffering, abuse and heartbreak. You helped me score a new job immediately, even shut a few doors without telling me what was on the other side until I was ready to find out. You gave me a new perspective on how God really works. You helped me make the last year of my 20s one of the best years I’ve ever had, and helped me say goodbye to so much that burdened me from my past. You allowed me to come to terms with the past, but also look back with fond memories. As much as I hated the Central Coast, the first job You will ever give me is always going to be the most important job we ever have. Santa Maria gave me some of the most important learning lessons not just career wise, but in life. I can’t get mad at Santa Maria, because that’s where I actually for the first time, finally MET You and started the process of getting to know You.

You take the good along with the bad, and the bad along with the good. Fortunately, the good always seems to outweigh the bad. I’ve had far more favorable moments and experiences that meant so much more and outweighed the heartache at the end of the day. That’s what you truly call, doing the work of God, and carrying out His will, despite the distractions and conflicts. You helped me fight through it all.

I didn’t know what exactly You had in mind for me when You brought me back to downtown LA to start my second job, but I have to say, there are so many aspects of it that are absolute improvements from my last job, and vice versa. See? Good along with the bad, bad along with the good. You helped me make new friends, keep in touch with old ones, and reminded me who I am inside. I am so thankful that You molded me into the person that I am today. Obviously I have a lot of improvements to still make and things to adjust, but I’m so grateful for the person that You have helped me transform into.

Most importantly, I’m so happy that You chose me to do a job. You gave my life purpose. The plans don’t just stop there. You are the end all be all, the alpha and omega, all four corners of the earth, the good and the bad, the trials and triumphs, and heartaches and love, and everything else in between.

I look forward to continuing to spending time with You, the Word and reflecting upon all that You have blessed me with. I look forward to making everything in my life about You. I will always make more and more time for God, as He will forever take first place. 

Here's to a blessed 2020, a brand new decade, a brand new age that's coming up for me in February, and so many more moments I get to serve You and continue to make the rest of my life about You until You call me home.

Thank you for an amazing 2019, and an amazing decade. Here's to the New Year, and a brand new decade.

I will always love You.