28 was a blessed year for me in a lot of different ways. No, I wasn't on top of the world, or successful, let alone happy. If anything I was sunk in the deepest pits of sorrow that I wouldn't wish upon anyone--even my worst enemies. Every morning a year ago I woke up wondering if I'd ever be able to feel normal again. Every night before I fell asleep after being exhausted from crying for hours by myself huddled in the corner of my apartment, I'd dread facing the sunrise in a few hours and would sometimes hope with all my heart I wouldn't wake up. I was going through a lot, needless to say.
However, it was still a blessed year. Why, you ask?
All of what I had been feeling from Dec. 2017 to Dec. 2018 was what made me that my closer to God. I mean it. I made astonishing discoveries every moment of my life when I felt I had not a single ounce of strength left to continue to get up and walk. However, I forced myself to. I felt compelled to. I felt I had nowhere else to turn. Every day I was crying my heart out, crying out to God, questioning why He did what He did to me, by having my heart break and having my uncle die unexpectedly of cancer all at the same moment, but He did what He did. I felt I had nowhere to turn. I never had felt so alone. Every day was a storm, but I had to weather it. The only way I was able to weather the storm was through Jesus's Word. On the days I felt I hadn't a single ounce of hope, I had to muster it with everything I had, as bleak as everything in my life at that moment seemed to me. I can honestly say that I'd never cried more than I did from Dec. 2017 to July 2018. It was the darkest months of my life where I couldn't find any comfort or solace in anything. It took me a very long time to eventually start picking up the broken pieces to put them back together again.
You don't know how much you need God until He is all that you have. That was what I clung to for several months. I made so many astonishing discoveries--I realized that it is only in dire situations where I feel the closest to God. The moments I felt He was the furthest away from me, He was actually the closest to me, right next to me. As soon as I chose to walk with God during the chaos in my life, and not turn to anything else but God, we got even closer. That was His plan all along. I am sad that it had to take heart-breaking situations for us to get closer, but it's strange in a way--it's ironic. It was during the worst times of my life I decided to cling to God. I wonder if everyone experiences this.
There were days I felt some triumph, days where I felt some hope but I never did feel completely normal. I was still being abused at work, still haunted by the memories of my heartbreak, and I thought hopefully getting out of my situation at my work would be the answer to my problems, but realized it wasn't. However I still desperately looked. I cried so hard and prayed so hard for a new job all throughout 2018. After over a dozen interviews, I didn't get a single offer. A job prospect in Dallas in July after I got an interview offer seemed to be the closest one, until November, after stringing me along for several months, when they told me they decided to go with an inside hire.
I again felt like I lost hope. I clung to Dallas for all those months, and it brought me comfort and solace in the prospect of one day finally leaving, all for it to crumble down. I felt I lost hope again after being able to come such a long way on this journey to re-gain normalcy and happiness in my life again. I abandoned all hope once again, and was angry at God. How could you do this to me? I asked Him every day. I fasted, prayed, cried so hard for this job, and thought this was the one. It broke my heart to realize it wasn't.
A week later I decided, what the heck, I need to keep trying. Dallas isn't the only answer for me to get out of Santa Maria. One day in mid November, I felt a pull. I applied to two jobs--one in downtown LA, and one in Riverside. The Riverside job was the one I wanted really badly as it fit more of what I wanted to do for a career. Riverside interviewed me, but in early January touched base and said they were waiting on a few more things before they could extend an offer to me.
The job in downtown LA, I completely forgot about until that same week when I got asked to come in for an interview. I interviewed with them, but still something in my heart didn't feel right--I didn't think this was the right fit for my career or what I wanted to do. However, when they offered me the job, it didn't feel celebratory, but I still felt some relief. All I needed was one offer to get out, as I told myself for over a year when I began job hunting in late 2017.
I called Riverside, who told me to take the other offer, as they still didn't know when they could make me a formal offer, but told me that as soon as they're greenlit, they'll call me again, but urged me to not put all my eggs in the Riverside basket, as the managing editor put it, "you're qualified for any job you apply to." I thanked her, and took the LA offer.
Over a week ago, Feb. 2, 2019, was my final shift for the Santa Maria Times, after 3 years of giving my blood, sweat, tears and entire life into that job. I learned a lot, gained so much great experience, met amazing people, had awesome opportunities and did some fantastic work, all because I decided to trust God and keep on carrying on. I felt it was finally the right time to go.
Also, guess what? On Jan. 6, I found out in the news that the paper in Dallas had slashed half of their newsroom, including some of the posts I applied for. If that wasn't a bullet to be dodged, I don't know what is. If that's not the sign that God blocked me from going down a certain path that He knew of before anyone else, I don't know what is.
2018 taught me so many things, and the most important lesson I learned was this: God's thoughts are not my thoughts. God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He knows exactly what to do, how to do it, and gives us specific answers that although at the time we may not understand, He'll tell us and show us later exactly why. God is always watching out for me. God is about timing.
I'm finally free. I'm rady to start this new chapter in my life, after so many years of darkness, sadness, hopelessness, depression and everything else in between. However I still fought with everything I had during the storms. I braved and weathered the storm. The only thing I needed to secure me was the Bible, my faith in God, my walk with God and understanding that He is my friend.
I walked with God with humility. I only began getting real answers as soon as I changed my mindset. I stopped making it about me, me, me and my needs/wants/desires and instead, I decided to make it about Him. As soon as I began doing that, I finally changed my mindset from, 'God get me out of here I can't be here anymore I'm too sad to be here,' to, 'God, I'll go wherever and whenever You need me to. You decide. I leave my life in Your hands to decide for me and to send me where I can please You and carry out Your work.'
As soon as I changed my mindset, two offers--one formal and one informal--fell on my lap. Instead of going with my gut or what I wanted, I decided to leave it up to God. He gave me a sign--he brought me back home. It may not have been my first choice job, but again, that's the wrong way to see it. It's not MY FIRST CHOICE....it is God's plan for me. That's what I'm going to call every decision I have to make in my life from now on--not a choice, but rather, God's plan and purpose.
28 was also the year I decided to fully commit myself to Christ, and to fully commit my life to God. I realized--there's nothing in this world I can't handle without God by my side. What better way to strengthen and fight the good fight and spiritual warfare than with my faith in the Lord as my shield, armor and sword?
Lord, you set me free from these chains. You mended my wings, brought me to a place of healing, and are strengthening me and training me for the next chapter in my life. I turned 29 years old yesterday, and You already know what You have in store for me for this year. Battles are an everyday occurrence in our lives. Just because I'm out of one of the darkest tunnels in my life so far by no means says it's the last one. There's many more to come, but You allowed me to walk through my first dark tunnel so that I could experience what it truly means to continue to fight and to prepare me for the next one and the next one and so on and so forth. Wars are always hard fought to be won, but with God, I know I'll never stop fighting or praying. It's all I had for several months...but I succeeded. I made it out alive. I never stopped climbing toward that tiny glimmer of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. God works through my circumstances, never under, below, above or around. He sometimes allows circs to happen in my life that I created for myself, but because He is a merciful God, he tells me, Okay now, even though your own sins and irresponsibilities created this mess, I'm still going to help you work through it. He doesn't ever make the situation disappear instantly, but He helps us heal as long as we keep walking with Him and don't ever lose sight of His great purpose and plan in all of this in the end.
I woke up in darkness, surrounded by silence--where have I gone? I woke to reality losing its grip on me. Where have I gone? Because I can still see the light before I see the sunrise. God called and shouted, broke through my deafness and now I'm breathing and alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness. Now I'm breathing in and out
I'm alive again.
Lord, You helped me heal. Thank You. 29 is going to be a great one...I can just feel it. Thank you for everything I learned at 28...it's made me that much stronger to face everything else at 29 and for many years to come.
I am alive again.
Let's do this!
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