I only want to do things or meet people or get involved in certain situations only to find out how I'd react or respond, think or deal with the potential consequences. Basically, everything I want to do is purely for the mere desire that I want to find out more about myself, get to know me, and figure out how I'd sort through the bullshit. Like, why did I want to pursue someone? Not necessarily because I felt like I really had real feelings for them but rather, I want to know what kind of partner I'd make, how easily angry I'd behave if they forgot to bring me Swedish Fish when they went to go pick up some wine at Albertsons while we fought over what Netflix show we'd binge tonight, the type of lover I'd be, or how qualified I'd be to bring home to their parents, everything.
Like, why did I become friends with that person, or decide that this is someone I'd spend my afternoons with shopping or getting food? For that type of situation, I wouldn't have to get to know myself. I already know how I'd behave because I'd plan it out before I meet them. I'd plan out how our conversations would go, the type of questions I'd ask them, what topics of interest I'd bring up to discuss, everything. I become friends w/those that I connect with in a way that I wouldn't have to act a certain way around, be comfortable and myself with, and yet I still feel the need to plan meticulously. I don't ever let things flow normally. That's why I don't have normal relationships.
What have I discovered so far in these areas about myself?
Not enough. That's why I'm sad. It's like the world and the people around me that I encounter don't want me to get to know me. They're that barrier that's in the way of allowing myself to explore me and the person that I am. Self-discovery is at hostage. Who will break it?
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