falling apart

I can't do this anymore, I'm barely scraping by, I'm hardly surviving, and I want to scream and cry and give up. Why is this getting harder and harder for me? Why are the weeks getting worse and worse? What is going on? Am I being tested? Did I realize that I bit off way more than I could chew? Am I just not cut out for this? I know I kept saying that doubt is a sin but at the same time I'm out of ideas. I'm out of pens, I'm out of notebooks, I'm out of ideas. I'm out of everything. I'm out of motivation. I'm out of a single ounce of sanity. Things are getting worse and worse and nothing is looking up.

Sources won't call me back, and of course, why would they? I've reached out to 5 different people today but of course what on earth in my wildest dreams could conjure up would they take two minutes out of their day to tell me anything? Please. I'm just going to have to accept that I'm going to fail this midterm story because it's wayy too late for backup plans. I'm done. I'm done for. My professor is going to fail me, as he rightfully should. I always do this to myself then blame my problems on the world. If they don't get back to me, then I'm done for.

Stories aren't being pushed out, and I'm practically useless in my journalism research class. Like what the hell? I'm the dumbest one in the class and I don't bring anything to the table. I'm so fucking useless. I'm just a waste of air in that classroom. Everytime I get called on I don't know what to say or how to answer something even though I spent hours on an assignment, and yet when I called on in class I freeze the fuck up. Or maybe I'm just doggedly trying to do work just for the sake of completing it rather than actually doing something about it or finding something. Isn't that what the skill of the class is? To break stories? I can't break shit if I don't even TRY to dig deeper. Isn't that what I look like? In our three person group project it looks like I'm not doing shit, when in reality I've been picking up the other bitch's slack. But of course in class today I looked fucking worthless.

I think when I do the memos I don't really think critically, I just re-read everything that's been published but don't really actively find anything, or maybe I just don't know. I thought I'd like this type of data storytelling research but honestly speaking it's my least favorite class right now. It really is. It's because everything is a critical thinking point, so if you don't reach that, your memo is useless. You would fail an assignment. Every other class isn't time sensitive, even though you have assignment deadlines, you're not pushing breaking news. Research is different. You have to scour through records and find something except the worst part is, I don't even know what the fuck to look for in the first place.

The dumbest girl in the program is doing way better than I am. What the fuck does that tell you. I'm constantly talking so much shit about how dumb she is and oh how ironic...she's doing way better than I am and at least she brings in good points to the class. She's thinking way more critically than I am. She's still beating me at the end of the day. So what good did it do ME while I was too busy talking shit and keeping up the petty shit? WOW. I'm no better than her...if anything I'm LOWER than her. Way lower.

If I don't pass this course, I'm going to cry. Fuck I just feel like crying and nothing else. I can't keep feeling self pity or feel sorry for myself. If I don't want to look stupid anymore why don't I just open my eyes and fucking do the work in front of me? What's making me freeze up? What is it? Everyone else seems to be doing just fine, so why am I the only one doing so poorly?

It's because all I do is bitch and complain and stress myself out without doing anything about it or taking the initiative to do anything about it.

Therein lies my problem.

Or maybe, just maybe, I lack the brain capacity to think critically and two steps forward. Since I lack that, that's why this class is just beyond me.