24.

i can’t believe it’s already been another year. i can’t say that 23 was a bag of gummy bears. it taught me a lot. i had to fight for a lot of things, but most of all, i had to fight through growing up. 

i don’t know but 23 seemed so old to me. 23 was when i started becoming embarrassed of telling people how old i was. people would ask and i’d just say “oh i’m in my early 20s” because i was too ashamed to tell them my real age. now that i’m another year older, i can only imagine how much more disheartening it will be telling people i am now 24. i’m shuddering at the thought. i used to have nightmares back in September that i was celebrating my 24th birthday and i’d wake up wit my heart pounding. this was the age i was truly dreading the most.

i don’t know how to explain it but i guess it’s because i’m afraid of growing up. or more so, i don’t know how. there’s still so much i didn’t do at the age of 23, so many times i felt like i accomplished nothing. i read somewhere that mark zuckerberg made his first billion at the age of 25. let’s fastforward to a year from now and i highly doubt i’ll be in his shoes at any rate. i feel like i haven’t achieved much success at the age of 23 and that there’s so much i’m missing out on. i felt like 23 was such an awkward age because i felt like i was too old to get trashed at clubs anymore but also too young to be looking forward to going to bed at 10:30 on a saturday night. i felt all partied out at 23, and i felt like it was time for me to make some more serious decisions with my life. no more fucking around, i’d tell myself. time to grow up. time to take responsibility for yourself, and time to start making some real choices and life goals. 

except, i didn’t have a single fucking clue how or where to begin. 

i don’t know why i keep trying to give my life deadlines. i think it’s because i see how much people are accomplishing at my age, and i feel like i’m just at a dead end road because i’ve peaked on reaching new lows. my life feels like quicksand…the years go by and suck me down so fast to the ground and i can’t seem to get out of it. i feel drained. i feel old. i feel like i’ve ran out of emotions. i feel like nothing on this earth is real. i feel like my life isn’t real. at church earlier today we watched louie giglio’s Indescribable film. he described our solar system as an infinitesimal grain of sand compared to what the human mind or the hubble telsescope can comprehend. it is beyond scientific reasoning and explanation. i felt like a tiny fleck of dust that lands on a dandelion head that can be destroyed in mere milliseconds. i felt insignificant. i felt small. Really, really, really small. 

it made me feel like i couldn’t do anything, or that there is nothing in this world that i can accomplish that’ll ever make me feel adequate or normal sized. i’m such an insignificant part of this vast universe, and people pass by me every day without so much as a second thought or glance. i’m just a minuscule speck floating through time. i could be gone the next day and nobody will blink.

in a weird way, it helped me cope with the idea of growing old. it means that as much as i want to dread at the idea of turning 24, at least it means that we all grow old. i’m not alone. i won’t be the only one turning 24 tomorrow. who knows, there’s probably another Gina in the world, probably in the next city over who’ll turn 24 on feb. 10 as well. at least i know that as small and invisible i feel, in a weird way, knowing that i’m not the only speck of dust floating through time makes me feel slightly better. not much, but it’s a start. 

is 24 the age to really start growing up? do i have to keep giving myself rules on how to become a real adult now? i thought turning 20 was old…please. i obviously haven’t met my match. but what will this year bring forth? hopefully another year of experience, wisdom, and growth. that’s all i really want. i just want more revelations, more truth, more discoveries, and more of coming closer to finding myself. 23 did a bit of that, but i’m hoping 24 will really truly show me. 

happy 24th birthday to me.