Self-loathing.

I don't understand people who just wallow in absolute self-loathing.

Okay, let me back up for a second, and rephrase that.

I can't fathom why people can just hate themselves constantly, and hate their lives, everything that comes with it, and yet can't seem to muster up the courage or willingness to want to change, and just throw out that will altogether, and stay wallowing.

If you refuse to change anything about the life that you hate, then quit bitching about it. Do something about it if you really want to make a change. But if you don't want to do anything about it, well then I don't know wtf to really tell you.

Maybe I'm not being sympathetic. But that's the thing--I was in those exact same pair of shoes MULTIPLE times, over the course of SEVERAL months on separate occasions. It fucking SUCKED, believe me. I fucking HATED myself, I hated everything about my life, I felt like every day more and more each day that there was little point to anything I did. I've been there, I've done that, and somehow, miraculously, I got out of it. I don't know how I did. But I did.

I've gone through that three separate times, twice in college, and once in graduate school. That entire year of 2015 I felt like there was little point to my life. There were pockets of victories, and I held onto those tightly only because those were the only saving graces to an otherwise bleak schoolyard bully of a year.

Again, I somehow got out of it. I wanted to quit life. Nothing made me happy, even after those victories passed. I regretted everything I did. I thought I was an idiot. I thought I wasted all this time and money to become worthless, nothing. But somehow, I got out of that situation, and was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It wasn't fucking easy. It didn't come overnight. I had to want it badly for myself.

If you want it, you can have it, but you gotta learn to reach out there and grab it, like that song "Photograph" by Weezer, off the Green album. I think about that song almost every week, when the going gets too tough. But when I listen to that song, and look in the mirror and remind myself that my life matters, the going is still tough, but I'm able to face it, rather than run away from it.

I met someone recently who just absolutely hates everything about their life, themselves, all. They let their depression and self loathing burden affect every single aspect of their lives--work, personal vendettas, self image, school, social life, relationships and everything else in between. I see them and it makes me sad because I know exactly how they felt, just about a year ago. I understand exactly what they're feeling, or at least, I think I do.

But for them, as much as they think certain things they want to change about themselves would make them happier again, I just don't know but they just really don't want to change at the same time. So they want to stay wallowing, stay self-loathing, and let it take over everything in their lives. What on earth...?

You reach out to them to try and cheer them up. But they don't respond, and just tell you they need their space to figure things out, and they felt detached and depersonalized, and just don't want to be around people. Okay, I get it. I once didn't leave the house for three weeks fall semester of senior year. I laid in bed all day, just staring out into the window, wondering when I might die, and if I did, nothing in my life would've shown that I did anything worthwhile or that I was an individual really worth anything. So I understand. And back away. But they have good weeks, and bad weeks. On the good weeks, things get better, you think that they're going to work it out, but it's very very fleeting. It's temporary. By next Tuesday, they're back at it again. They're always vacillating between feeling okay and feeling worse. There's never any in between. You don't know what they're thinking about, how they're feeling and worse, if there's any way you can stop them from doing something drastic. You just sit there, and wait for that feeling to pass, and see if they're okay to talk to you again and if they'll be welcoming a human presence in their life again.

You really wonder if there is any hope for them in the long run. You wonder if they'll ever get out of it, or find that light that actually won't be wavering and actually be permanent. And you wonder if they wonder too. You know they do.

But you just don't know if they'll ever do anything about it. So you try to be there for them, be their life coach, take on their burdens for them hopefully try to fix them.

But you realize that you can't really help them--they have to do this on their own. No amount of support will actually fix someone until they want to accept the support, and actually utilize it into a concrete set of plans and goals they will now work to reach.

You don't need to do this. It's not your responsibility to take on their burdens. You can't fix someone. You can't think just because you got out of it, that they can too. Sometimes, it's not really something as simple as goals that's going to actually make you happy. Maybe perhaps for me, it was, but in reality, it's so much more than that. How many times did I feel depressed at both my dream schools, studying what I wanted, living where I wanted, getting everything I hoped and prayed and worked for, all for it to just be for naught, or at least at the time, feel like it was for nothing and it actually wasn't what made me happy?

I've been there. It's a hella shitty feeling. But it somehow passed. Again for me, I consider myself lucky because it could've taken me YEARS to get out of that slump. I couldn't have had an answer for MONTHS. Luckily for me, time was on my side. And of course, God. So I got my answer soon enough. That period passed.

So you just sit there, and wait for them to hopefully find that light.

But for how long?