2014 was definitely a crazy year. So much and not enough happened all at the same time. To this day I remember exactly what I read a year ago when January 1st, 2014 was upon us: "Today is the brand new start of another new year. Make it a good one."
That phrase hasn't left my mind once since this year flew by me yet once again, as every other year has. For one, now that I'm growing older, it started making a lot more sense to me. It's no secret that time goes by quickly but more so it's about making those fleeting moments count. To live fully, to let go of things, to accept things we couldn't change, to notice the bigger picture, to act on impulse, to rectify mistakes, to be the best "me" as I could be, everything. It was every aspect of a new year's resolution that we all are so inclined to make for ourselves, regardless of whether we actually keep them or not.
With the passing of every year, my resolutions slowly began to change gradually. They became less concrete, going from trying to lose x amount of pounds, or to read more books this year, or to maintain certain grades, to make x amount of money, whatever to finally transitioning to obscure notions that were a bit harder to maintain. For me, it seemed as I didn't understand what my resolutions said about me as a human being or if it even said anything at all. It seems as though I didn't know my strength, and I had never tapped my full potential and it had to take certain life-changing events for me to really discover both my capabilities and my limits. It was tough, but I got there. Eventually.
Since my timeline from college to my mid-20s, which is when I started abandoning 'concrete' resolutions and opting for more realistic yet harder-to-reach goals, I started to become more sure of myself with every passing year, with every resolution I promised to keep. Every year had a theme, if you will, but I knew that resolutions don't always have to start at the beginning of a new calendar. I knew I had every day to make it a good one. Heck, I didn't even start a 'concrete' resolution that I set for myself until September of this year (losing 15 lbs.!)
2012
The middle of my junior year of college, the year I turned 22. I told myself 2012 would be the year of doing. I caught a bad whiff of extreme impulse and wanderlust, the burning desire to travel, and the idea that my life wasn't complete if I didn't do act upon my impulses without thinking of the consequences. I didn't care. I thought that life wasn't worth living unless I made mistakes. I wanted to live. I didn't care about the remorse that would follow. I had the mindset of living life to the fullest, and just doing what I wanted. That was a bad mistake...2012 was definitely the year of doing.
2013
Last half of my senior year and the year I closed out one of the most monumental chapters of my life: college graduation. 2013 was the year of fixing. I told myself I'd fix everything I messed up in my life during 2012. I had a lot of fixing to do. 2013 was also the year of finally growing out of my immature mindset and realizing that there were so many infinitesimal issues in life that didn't matter. It was the year about looking at life from a different angle, to look at the bigger picture of things, and to know what was truly important. 2013 gave me some of the most important lessons of my life and it was this year I finally learned how to grow up mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was the year of letting go and accepting circumstances, even if it was in reluctance. It was the year of putting all my faith and trust in God, even though there were times I was upset with Him. It was the year I finally understood what God's answers were, and to know that He had a bigger and better plan for me all along. It was the year of worry, anxiety, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and searching for the right path.
2014
And now, here we are, the very end of what was quite a remarkable year. While my dreams and efforts followed suit, I learned how to rectify mistakes and keep on going. I dealt with pain, rejections, but finally, acceptance. This was the year that I gained admission to my dream school and prestigious Masters program, but most of all, it was the year that I finally learned how to be proud of myself. It was also the year that taught me to not lose confidence. I was definitely insecure my whole life, but 2014 proved to me that being insecure and worrisome doesn't help us get any closer to reaching our goals or to find happiness. It was the year that fixed my wanderlust and penchant for living in a brand new city once again, and sent me to Boston, the furthest I'd ever been away from home. Yes, I was still afraid of such a scary transition, but I'm relieved that I survived. It was the year that I was doing what I loved, and learned to adjust in a brand new environment despite the differences I had to overcome and accept. The last half of the year made me realize that I also forgot how to feel, how to feel sentimental, and how to be more imaginative. The last one is so important, simply because imagination is what has driven my passion forward, both in academics and professional careers. I was scared that distorted reality and the adult way of looking at how the world actually works and to tell myself to snap out of my wildest fantasies are what actually made me write less and less for myself. If anything I feel as though it worsened my writing. Who knows, maybe being an adult is hardening me, and that's what I felt the latter half of 2014 truly did.
For 2015
I want 2015 to be the year that I stop being afraid. I can't constantly be fearing for things that are out of my control. When you're afraid to die, you're afraid to live. Simple as that. I can't let certain issues hinder me from moving forward in my life. I want to be true to myself in 2015 and to go after things no matter how afraid I am. I am the type of person who won't try simply because they are too afraid to try. I can't let myself be like that, because that's already something that I dealt with during 2013. If this is going to be a problem for me in 2015, then that just shows that I haven't kept up with my resolutions for two years. How then will I grow and progress as a person, to be the best me that I could be? I want 2015 to be the year that I am confident in my abilities and to really tap into my fullest potential and thrust all the effort I can into everything I do. I want 2015 to be the year where I take charge of my life and quit waiting and worrying about what ifs, buts, and the yets. I don't want to be that person anymore who constantly only has doubts. I want 2015 to be the year that I make things happen for myself. Most of all, I want it to be the year where I stop being afraid. I want it to be the year where I once again put forth all my trust in God to guide me along the right path. If He has done that for me my whole life, there's no reason why I can't put all my faith in Him the same. I want the apathy to be driven out of me, and to instill a burning desire once again. It's the year that I bring back my passion, my true zest for everything in life. Right now, I am where I want to be within a fulfilled timeline, but this is also the year where I have to make quick transitions once again, for the end of this year will be the year I graduate from my Masters program and actually be thrust into the real world once more. But I can't successfully surpass that if I don't know how to stop being afraid. That is the theme of 2015---to stop being afraid.
However, I can't let 2014 go without giving a quick nod to one of the best years I've ever had. I definitely grew as a person a bit, or at least, stayed the same, stayed true to myself, and maintained my sense of self worth and positive habits. I maintained my slightly-more-mature mindset that I had always lacked in the past, and I learned that I account for all of my own personal happiness. 2014 was the year I made sure I was happy, and it was the first year I didn't go through horrible depression as I have in the past. 2014 taught me how to be stronger, how to maintain those resolutions I made for myself since 2012, and to renew them consistently for the better. However, I also hope 2014 will be the year that teaches me to also return to certain old ways that I forgot about that I know I could definitely use for the new year, such as my personal imagination. Hopefully I'll tap into my imagination once again to help motivate me into putting forth more effort into my personal life, my work, and my academic career. Because I forgot about my imagination, and had distorted my perception of reality, it seems as though I hadn't done my best in writing. That is the only "old habit resolution" I'd like back. I know that if I learn to do what I love once again, everything else in life can and will improve. Or at least somewhat help.
Here's to another wonderful year, another crazy journey, another opportunity to become the best Gina I could ever be. Thanks 2014.
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