I hate any type of feelings (not necessarily romantic/attraction feelings) because I'm confused and I don't know where they're at right now. I can never pinpoint them and never know how to deal with them so I've lately been practicing on shutting them down altogether. It's almost as though I'm afraid to feel anything. I legitimately feel sick when they start to develop; it's as though I am allergic to them. I get confused, I don't know what I want to do about them and since I don't understand them or can associate them with anything, I'd rather just sweep it all under the rug. I'm referring to feelings in general, all types of emotion, not really on "romantic" emotions.

I hung out with Holly all day today and during lunch I tried to explain to her what's going on with me and why I don't have any comprehension of how my brain and heart operate altogether these days. I told her that I'm so torn and there are a lot of things I have to address to myself and things that I feel like I should be angry or happy about but I don't know how to access them. I feel like I can't access my own feelings. Does that make sense? It isn't depression...I know depression. I know THAT feeling. It's something else entirely. It isn't necessarily that I don't get excited about the things that I should be excited about, or that I'm not happy about the things that usually make me happy, it's more so I don't know how to be happy or I don't know how to be sad or angry. I feel spurts of irritation but I don't know if it's anger in a whole sense. I think I need to come to terms with a lot of things that I've been hiding away for awhile now but I don't know how to do it, and that's why I feel confused and irritated. Irritated is the closest thing to any concrete emotion right now; everything else is abstract. I have abstract feelings, and everything is falling apart inside of me. It's chaos in here...it really is. Everything is a whirlwind. Everything is crashing into each other or against each other, then bouncing away from each other again until I have to scatter myself around, trying to pick up the pieces. Then when I try to pick up the pieces, they fall out of my grasp and I lose them altogether. Everything I do in daily life is at surface level only--I don't really know how to approach my mental thoughts or emotions internally when I'm alone. I need to take a step back and observe and reevaluate myself in a different light but I just don't really know how at this moment.

I think I'm dead inside. It's safe to pronounce it as dead, I think.

I wish there was a name or some layman term or phrase for what I'm going through right now. Holly thinks I should talk to a therapist. I don't think I'm above taking therapy or anything like that, because I know it's just helpful to see why all of this started and why I'm feeling the way I do these days. It's as though my body doesn't know how to feel or that it's afraid to. I'm not really sure which. 

And maybe that's why I hate them.