Yesterday's wake/viewing for my church family's grandmother Kim Chil Seon was terrible.

First of all, I'd never been to a wake or a viewing. I thought it was a strange custom, to have the deceased person in a coffin with the lid propped open so that we can view their bodies one last time. I thought it was a little frightening. I remember when I passed by her coffin at the end of the service. She looked so strange, as though her skin was made of plastic. I couldn't believe that she was laying there but couldn't wake up. I wanted her to wake up so that it could alleviate the pain of everyone else. I didn't want to believe that she was gone.

I felt numb the entire service. All I could do was stare straight ahead into nothingness as each family member came up to the podium to commemorate their most important family member. As the words droned on into nothingness inside my head, I was frozen, staring blankly at nothing, and I couldn't comprehend anything. These words were just words. Tears were just tears.

It wasn't until I sat down and saw the slideshow of all her photos during family celebrations, gatherings, early life, birthdays, etc. that I broke down and started crying my eyes out. I cried so hard. I cried for every person in the world who has to go through with the fact that loved ones are passing on. I cried so hard for my own grandmother, whose funeral is soon to come. I cried so hard for the only grandmother I had left, who never gets to see her children and grandchildren. My mom quietly told me after the service that her mother is all she had, and that we have to see that she has the happiest rest of her years left in life. I understood.

I cried so hard at the vulnerable state in which her passing had left everyone. My mother cried profusely as she sat next to me and constantly grabbed my hand and squeezed it. We used up an entire box of tissues left on every aisle of every bench. People crowded and filled the halls. I saw my church cousins and members of their family crying so hard for the first time in my life. I'd never seen most of them cry before. All I could do after each person got up and took one last time to look into the coffin where Kim Chil Seon laid was to go over each and every single one of them, hold onto them, and share my tears. They held onto me and cried. I cried with them. I cried for every single person in there who had lost a great woman in their lives. I cried for my own poor grandmother whose dying wish was to see her youngest son and his family one last time. I cried for Chil Seon whose wish was to see her oldest male grandson get married in just 3 weeks. I cried for bad timing. I cried for such a great loss. I cried for Kim Jin Suk, who, for the first time in 50 years, is apart from his wife. I cried for Kim Jin Suk who never knew what a day was like for him to be away from Chil Seon. I cried for Kim Jin Suk who didn't know what it felt like to not her next to him on his bedside. I cried for Kim Jin Suk who has to move on without his wife whom he's been married to since 1952 and built this family together.

I guess the reason why I cried so hard was because Grandmother Chil Seon was like a third grandmother to me; if anything I saw her and interacted with her way more than my own biological grandmother in Korea. She with her husband established this church way before I was born, and my parents had been a part of this church since before my mother became pregnant with my brother. She, her husband, and her son in law Reverend Kang was a part of my baptism when I was a few months old. We'd been a part of their church family since 1986. To see that Chil Seon, who's been there with us for over 20 years and is now gone forever is something I can't comprehend. She'd seen all of us grow. I can't believe that someone who's been an integral part of my 23 years of living on this earth is forever gone.

What I noticed about the slideshow of her photos taken during her lifetime was that she always looked happy. She had lived such an enriching life, building an empire with her husband and 4 of her babies, all whom built a family of their own. She was a grandmother to 10 children, all of whom she raised while their parents were hard working immigrants working every day trying to make a living in the United States. I could see why my church cousins were crying so hard. She was a second mother to all of them. But what made me happy to see was that she had never missed a single family function, and was constantly surrounded by her grandbabies with each and every single birth. She was the first to hold onto each child at birth. I felt as though she had a great family life, such an enriching, rewarding one, and I guess that's what we can celebrate.

Chil Seon may physically be gone from this world, but what makes me happy (and almost envious) to know is that she's the first one out of all of us to meet God. She's free from pain. She's free from stress. She's free from sorrow. She didn't collect her treasures on earth, she collected all her treasures in heaven, for that is where your heart should be. She built such an amazing relationship with God, and it's understandable why He decided to take her home with Him early.

It's chilling to see how Chil Seon and my own grandmother's passings are so paralleled. It was on that same day Jin Suk decided to sign the DNR papers that my own uncles in Korea signed the very same papers for my grandmother as well. That day when Esther called me to tell me what was happening was the same evening my dad called me to tell me that this was it for my grandmother as well. It's such an aching pain but I'm glad to see that they're both going up at the same time. They can accompany each other.