I may have to leave for Korea soon due to the current circumstances with family issues and my grandmother's funeral. It's not that I haven't been expecting it; it's something I knew that was coming for a very long time...3 months even. But I knew it was useless to really hold onto hope...although there was a tiny glimmer of hope I knew what being realistic meant. I think I even accepted the idea faster than my father did. He was so sure that my grandmother would fully wake up, but deep down inside I knew better. I knew she didn't have much left. What sort of a life would that be...not being able to physically breathe on your own but having machines plugged into your body to help you catch your next breath? Laying in bed not being able to speak to anyone, unable to tell anyone how much pain you're probably feeling? That's no way for my grandmother to be, and she has been in this state for the past 3 months due to her coma. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to her. I know everyone in my family is so eager to try and do anything to keep her alive but there is no way of knowing how much she really is in pain. I sometimes wonder if she was silently begging my 3rd uncle, who went to see her every day, to ask him to just unplug everything and let go. Maybe it's what she's been waiting for the past several months, and I know she's tried several times to wake up and move her limbs to prove how much she really wants to make it for her babies, but I think she's tried long and hard enough. She tried to do everything she could. Several times. My grandmother has tried enough. It's time for her to rest. I'm glad I got used to the idea of her not being able to speak to me ever again (although it still hurts so terribly inside, for I didn't know that last Christmas would be the last time I ever speak to her) but I know the same feelings will flood as soon as I fly out to Korea. It's really hard trying to mask how I feel but I feel like I can't be sad anymore. I should be happy that she will be free from the pain.

What won't make me happy is how depressed my father will feel for the next several years from no longer having both parents.