And now...

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I present to you the real article that I wrote for my first draft that has been featured on the last issue of Fish Rap Live ever for me! This is golden because I haven't yet revealed any of the articles I've written because most have been heavily edited but this is my original article, untouched, unedited, the real thing. This is the first glance before any of my editors made changes. Think of it as your first Pokemon or YuGiOh trading card...RIGHT?!

Brace yourselves.

Ambiguous Semi-Hobo from Downtown Wishes to Establish an On Campus Club Open Exclusively Only to “Young Teenage Boys ages ranging from 18-20 Years”

One Friday afternoon after Media Law Seminar, John and I trudged up past Science Hill to retire to our cars waiting for us at East Remote lot, to mark the end of another busy week, with talks of getting hammered for the weekend and other such plans.

We hadn’t reached halfway through the Science Hill bridge when a semi-hobo looking guy walked towards us with a Pokemon game in his hand, stopping just long enough to look up from his game to ask us a question: “Hey, do either of you know anything about establishing clubs on campus?”

“What kind of clubs?” I asked.

“Well, I just want to get a recreational club started for young college boys, ONLY boys, preferably ranging from 18-20 years of age, where we can all find a place to just…you know…DO stuff. Activities. Anything.”

“I don’t know where you can go to start a club, but have you gone to your college affiliation’s office? They might be more help,” John said, adjusting his glasses so he could get a better look at the guy.

“I totally would, but I sort of don’t go here. I’m not even a student. I’m just from downtown and I wanted to get a club started. It’s cool. Thanks anyway!” And with that, he returned to his Pokemon game, and as mysteriously as he appeared, he left.

Confused and creeped out, John and I sprinted in the opposite direction, afraid of running into the semi-hobo-quite-possibly-a-pedophile again.

There were several past failed clubs that had once been proposed then rejected by the university’s events offices. There had been so many great clubs that paved a new future for budding college students, so many opportunities offered, but had the stamp of disapproval for undisclosed reasons. This “rejection” box had accumulated over the years, but nobody had ever attempted to give any of these a second thought. For a good reason I suppose.

Vegan Rehab Groups: for “newly acclaimed” vegans who became vegans upon their first admittance to UCSC, in order to be more hip and “in” with the whole “let’s care about the animals and environment” trend, but after a few years can’t deal with not eating meat anymore.

Social Justice Groups: for those who have a problem with literally EVERYTHING, usually with the government; exclusively open to the most un-biased individuals. Have something to passionately rant about but don’t want to do anything about it to help? Look no further.

Dress Code Fashion Police: Girls who love to wear leggings as pants around campus, unite! Got that camel toe or moose knuckle going on every day on your way to class but can’t be bothered to find a long-fitting shirt to cover that fupa? This is the club for you!

The McHenry Hide-and-Seek Team: introverted, quiet, and not sure how to make friends? This is the club for you! We meet every Thursday evening at the McHenry Library for a rousing game of silent hide-and-seek. No talking necessary! It isn’t allowed…it’s the library, remember?

Blame Obama Group: for those who can’t stand President Obama for reasons only known to themselves. Blame every single menial, first world problem on our current president so you can show the world that you didn’t jump the Democratic trend like every other college student probably did. Ran out of soap in your shower? Blame Obama. Global warming and your AC broke? Blame Obama. Favorite American Idol contestant didn’t win? Blame Obama.

Post-Traumatic Sexiled Disorder (PTSD): rehabilitation center headed by celebrity counselor Tiger Woods. Constantly locked out of your room every hour of the day/night so your roommate can get it on? Traumatized and can’t get that horrible image out of your head when you walked in on them? We’re here to console.

Nintendo Debate Team/Mario Party Fight Club: Marvel vs. Capcom? Halo or Call of Duty? Want to knock out the guy who stole your stars and drove you off Rainbow Road? Playing games in the privacy of your own dorm room doesn’t cut it for you anymore, now you need to find people to debate the logistics of the game and physically fight to get your blood boiling. Debate cheat codes, which character has way more moves than another, and basically anything else that keeps you from having a social life.

Plenty of Slugs: Been Catfished from the UCSC Anonymous Facebook Page? Or still can’t get the name of that hot blonde you saw at the Crown Dining Hall no matter how many hours you spent looking for her on UCSC Anonymous? Plenty of Slugs is an actual legitimate speed-dating group. No Facebook Account required!

Instagram Addiction Help: Nobody cares about seeing 15 different filters of the Porter Squiggle or that cute fawn you saw on the way to class, except for maybe you. Lay off the hash tags, put your iPhone away, and get help.

Mumford & Sons and Awful Hipster Music Cover Bands Club: you pride yourself into listening to “obscure” music that nobody else has probably heard of. You scoff at radio hits, and sometimes cover these bands on your own. You do justice for The Black Keys, Fun, MGMT, Death Cab For Cutie, The Decemberists, Beirut, Bright Eyes, Arcade Fire, Bon Iver but nobody seems to take you seriously, and you’re rejected from playing at PorterPalooza every year. Find fellow musicians with a common music taste and jam together every Tuesday night at the Cowell Fireside Lounge!

There you have it…some of the greatest proposed clubs that had been rejected in the past. Good luck, semi-hobo-probably-a-pedophile-from-Taco Bell, hopefully your club won’t fare the same fate. There has to be at least a few bored 18-20 year olds SOMEWHERE on campus, to just, you know…DO stuff with you. Activities. Anything.