3 years

It's been three years since I've let anyone touch me.
It's been three years since I've been physically close to someone.
It's been three years since I've developed any kind of emotions for anyone.
It's been three years since I've allowed myself to accept someone else's emotions for me.

Within three years, all of that changed. Within 30 seconds. On a grey sky morning in Del Mar.

I regret it. There. I said it. It shouldn't have ever happened, and it was a mistake. Three years ago I made a promise with God. That I'd commit my life and relationship to Him, and nobody else on earth. Because why? Because there is nobody else on this earth worth my time or my commitment or my life.

I made a pact with God that I would never, ever let another man touch me ever again.
I made a pact with God that I would never, ever do anything without asking His permission or asking Him what He thinks.
I made a pact with God that I would never let myself be tempted, that I'd stay true to my promise.
I made a pact with God that I'd be damned if I ever found myself involved in a situation like so many others the last 5 years ever again.
I made a pact with God that I'll never, ever developed emotions for anyone ever again.

I made a lot of promises with God for several reasons. I decided to use the next three years of my life to strengthen my walk with Him, to forget all the follies of dalliance in this world, to say no to all of the temptations, to whoosh away any type of earthly activities. I chose to commit my life to God, which meant letting nobody through this wall that I barricaded myself with.

Within 30 seconds, I lost three years worth of progress that I worked so hard for. I lost it all. I'm back at square one. I feel dirty, disgusting, violated, and most of all, ashamed at the disappointment.

This isn't how I imagined I'd lose it all. I can't believe I was willing to walk back on all of it. For what? I can't believe I was willing to throw it all away.

Was it worth it?

No.