What a year it has been.
And I say that not with irony or sarcasm, that's truly how I feel.
What a year 2020 has been. It seems as though as the years go on, there are more and more disasters, tragedies, trials and heartache. This year was definitely no exception because it was something that we as a society, globally, throughout all four corners of the earth, suffered through together. It was a commonality we all endured together. It was a heartache that became all too familiar and it tied us all together.
When I look back on this year, which I don't think was misspent, I can only think of those who didn't make it, who didn't survive this terrible pandemic, who lost loved ones and had to grieve over and over again. It was one of the cruelest years humanity has seen so far yet. I close my eyes and think of all those hundreds of thousands of deaths worldwide, people I didn't know, names and faces that weren't widely known but will always be remembered. But I remind myself that they are not just another number, not another data set, not another statistic. They all mattered. Their lives mattered. They all were somebody.
I easily could have been one of them. My loved ones, my family members, my circle, any one of us could have perished from this invisible disease that upended the economy and took the globe by storm.
But in the midst of the heartache and tragedies, on the flip side I look back on this year and the reason why I don't believe it was misspent was because I still found so much to be thankful for every day. I still had my health. My family members were still alive. We survived. We were able to avoid the horrible disease thus far. Nobody on this earth knows why or how others couldn't make it while some did. My heart hurts for everyone, including those who fear they may be next. This year also showed me how truly selfish some people are. We see it in news every day. It depresses me because the very same people who preach about God's word about being selfless and putting others first are the ones screaming and throwing a tantrum about how they should be allowed to not wear masks. It's not about protecting yourself, it's about protecting others in case you might have it.
The very same shield that was supposed to shield the ill was the thing these selfish people refused to do. That's what broke my heart. Innocent people who did everything they could and followed the rules and never left their homes had to die or become extremely ill. That's what breaks my heart. I've seen friends' parents pass away from this disease just before the holidays. I had friends who got the disease themselves and were hospitalized and didn't know if they'd live to see tomorrow. I saw tears. I saw darkness. I saw no signs of hope.
But at the same time, in the midst of all yet again we still have so much to be thankful for to God. How can I? By thanking Him for still keeping around those that He allowed to live. I could have lost way more friends and loved ones. The fact that I'm still here, breathing and alive today to write this, to reflect upon God is gratitude that I cannot explain or put into words. The fact that my parents and brother and family members are still alive is something I will forever be eternally grateful for every day.
This year gave me a ton of anxiety. There have been weeks of sleepless nights, fear that either of my parents might get this disease. I feared for my father, who is a high-risk individual. I feared that the vaccination won't be rolled out on time. I feared that my parents might not be able to hold on before they get it. I feared that I wouldn't be able to hold on before I got my shots. There were a million things to be afraid of, to have anxiety over, to panic about and it seemed as though the list piled on and grew exponentially every day. Every morning I woke up instead of going about my day I let my mind wander and start letting my fears, worries, doubts, apprehensions and severe anxiety stop me from going about my day. The anxiety built up every moment I realized that I had no control over anything. With every passing of someone in the news media I was reminded how little control we have.
But therein lies my problem: we're not SUPPOSED to have control. God is in ultimate control. God is the ultimate end all be all and say all. God is the one who decides what our fates will be. That brought me some comfort but again I am only human and I still let my anxiety continue to flood over me and it never waned. But I hope it does. I should take comfort in knowing that we're not supposed to have control, that we're not supposed to know what lies ahead, and that all we can do is continue on this path toward God, trust Him and His process and understand that His thoughts are not my thoughts, and His decisions are not my decisions. He knows more than any of us.
Life is fragile. It's true. Anything can kill us. We are humans. It's not just this pandemic. I can literally get hit by a truck and die during a run. I can be killed by anything. We are vulnerable. I am just a wave tossed in the ocean and a vapor in the wind, here today and gone tomorrow.
And yet, still God hears me calling, He caught me when I was falling and He told me who I am:
I am forever His.
When I know and have that assurance from God that I am His child, I remind myself that He left the 99 to come looking for me. This year was not misspent, because I meditated on His promise to me every day, every night, every moment. I fell to my knees and would cry out, arms open looking up to God, pouring my heart and soul out of my body, asking Him that if He were to take my soul away, that He will at least let me live long enough to see what His purpose for me is on earth. Remembering this helped me focus on God, not people, not the news, not exigent circumstances, not politics, not anything from this world. I asked God to show me His will for me, and I strove to serve Him. Why is God telling us to be strong and courageous in the New Year?
When I cross that calendar at midnight tonight to lay hold of what He has for me, let not there be spiritual resistance, Lord. Fortunately, no man will be able to truly make me resist God's purpose and will. The only one who can really stop me from getting what God has for me, His glory, and the expansion of His kingdom is....me.
So what do I choose? Do I choose to let earthly problems, trials and viruses get bigger than God? Or do I let God take priority in my life? I choose to let my fear of God supersede my fear of anything else, including COVID-19 and any other health threat or disaster. I choose to operate in God's presence in 2021, and I believe that He will be with me. I cannot go anywhere on this earth without God.
This year showed me that pursuing a relationship with Him is so vital for these reasons. So many want an assignment from Him and a blessing, but don't pursue the presence of God. But me? I'm going to go after it and I'm going to get it because God is with me. I am prioritizing His presence, His kingdom, His purpose for me, and His order to me as I continue to pursue my assignment on this path. The path to righteousness and God's glory is narrow and tough but I can only make the trek with God by my side. We made a pact, we made a covenant, and we made a promise. That contract, signed with the blood of Jesus Christ, can never be broken.
I will remain tethered to God's word. I will continue to be careful to do according to all of His laws. I will never turn it from the right or the left. I will meditate on His word day and night. I remember the 3 P's: proclaim, possess and practice. The Book of the Law can never leave my mouth, I will speak it. I will not speak or believe the wrong people's words. When God speaks, He does not stutter. I say what God says, and will never let anyone else talk me out of what God says.
There will always be heartaches. There will always be that sense of dread and impending doom and invasive thoughts that keep our sanity and faith at bay. But a Christless Christian resorts to other means to let all of that dissipate. For me? I will stand strong in the Lord. His blood is my shield, His love is my armor, His faithfulness is my sword. I pray and fight ceaselessly. Every day I wage a spiritual warfare. 2020 was one long battle, and it doesn't mean 2021 is in the clear either. We can literally be here today and gone tomorrow, there's no telling when God calls any of us home but I pray to God that at the end of the day, until He calls me home, I will live my life out for Him and His agenda only. That's all my life is about. That's all this has ever been about.
God does not exist to be a grocery shopping checklist of things I need or want at the moment. He's not here to fulfill my needs or desires. God is not Amazon. God doesn't exist for me. I exist for God, and God alone. Too many of us believe that we're entitled to His blessing, eternal life and everything else. That isn't true. God can giveth and God can taketh away at any given moment. But what we do with the precious time that He gifted us with on earth is what matters.
We know that our bodies and our time are not ours to spend to do whatever we want with it. That's what sacrificing ourselves really means. When I committed my life to Christ and was born again 3 years ago, there were terms and conditions to all of that. It meant that I had to stop living for myself. It meant that I had to put God first. It meant that I didn't just listen to a sermon once a week just to forget it on Monday. It meant that I put God into every single situation in my life and that I ask Him what He thinks rather than doing things myself. It meant that I got to know God all over again, and start from scratch. It meant that I built and maintained a strong relationship with Him--the most important relationship I'll ever know and have on earth until He calls me home.
Let me do as I am told, let me complete the tasks asked of me, let me finish the work that He placed in front of me. Father God, help me find my new task and purpose for 2021. I live only to serve You.
It's true, we're not supposed to have control. We don't get to decide our destinies. Somehow, I was destined to make it to age 30. I was destined to live through a pandemic. I was destined to be a journalist. I was destined to be a sister, a daughter and an aunt. I am destined for more. But most importantly I was destined to be a child of God.
What more reassurance do I need to continue to fight on for the new year? We won't know what 2021 will hold for us but when I look back on all of these years, so many of which were misspent because I relied on the world to make me happy and not God, all I can ask God is that I will continue to make the most of so much God has blessed me with already even when I don't deserve it. I have so much to be thankful for. I have health, my parents, my family, a job, and a home. I don't need anything else. I have God's love to shield me from anything else. I don't need to be distracted from anything any longer. God is all I have and God is all I need.
So many friends and coworkers I know lost their jobs this year due to the pandemic. I could've been on the chopping block. I still could be the next to go if this pandemic doesn't end. I have complained bitterly this year, I have been angry, hurtful, impulsive and had a bad attitude but God had to give me a reality check each time, and bring me back down to earth. He could have seen me complain and think, Okay fine, don't work anymore. He could've cut me off.
But God didn't. He forgave me even when He saw me at my worst. Even when I did nothing but complain, He forgave me even when I didn't deserve it. Every time I complain it's a slap in the face to God who did nothing but know the best for me. God, I am so sorry. I have sinned against You so many times this year. You still found some way to forgive me.
God's love knows no bounds.
If He allows me to live through 2021 again all I want to do is continue seeking out His purpose for me. This year reminded me that my body is just a shell--it is not a body to do whatever I want with it. He gave me eyes to see, ears to hear and air to breathe so that I could continue furthering His kingdom agenda. It means obeying Him, choosing faith over the world, putting my hope and trust in Him and all that He will do. I no longer will let doubt, fear and anxiety overcome me, I will never let any of them get bigger than God. My God is more powerful than any other gods. My God is more powerful than any disease or disaster. My God held the vast oceans and mountains on His fingertips. Why should I ever let anything seem bigger or better than God? He is the ultimate. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the universe. He is forever ever after and everything in between.
But most beautiful of all, He is mine. He is my Shepherd. He left the 99 over and over and over again to come see me. Even during the times I left the flock and went on my own path, He grabbed a flashlight and ran after me in the rain and darkness. When I was left alone in the cold, lost and hopeless, He called out my name. He ran after me. There were so many opportunities and individuals in my life who never followed me when I walked out the door. They all let me walk out the door.
But not God. That's why my relationship with God is the most important, faithful, trustworthy, steadfast and strongest relationship I will ever have. He comforts me, He protects me, He watches me, He hears me, He speaks to me, and He sits next to me. He fights for me. He fights with me. He fights alongside me.
I don't deserve any of this. I've let Him down so many times this year and in my entire life. And yet, my God thinks I'm worthy enough to call me His. I'm worthy enough to follow out the door. I'm worthy enough to run after. I'm worthy enough to love, despite all that I've done to disappoint Him. But He gives me chance after chance to learn from my mistakes because He loves me.
Not even my own earthly father has loved me that unconditionally. But that's why we are human. That's why we say God's love knows no bounds. To remind myself that those that I meet are people I meet for a reason...God put them in my life and let me encounter them to show them who God truly is. Even if a relationship might not work out with an individual, if I somehow managed to get them to be more curious about God or return to God, my purpose has been fulfilled. I'm not going to let anyone in my sight miss out on the love I get to experience every day with God. God belongs to everyone, not just me. Everyone deserves to know Him, and the Lord deserves the entire world to praise Him. I can't be the only one praising Him. Let us all stand.
Everything I do in my life is about God, and nothing else. 2021, we'll continue that mantra.
2020 was quite the year. But it was also a year full of so many amazing memories and moments that I am still eternally thankful for. Despite it all, despite the sadness around me that I have witnessed, the hardships and tragedy, I still stand by my God. And I will continue to stand with my God in 2021. My job is to proclaim His word, to pray to Him without ceasing, to pray for others who do not know Him.
Because, what else do I need? Whom shall I fear? No weapon formed against me shall remain if we continue to serve, and believe.
God, thank you again. For everything. For my family, my parents, my friends, our health, our safety and security. Don't ever let us take your blessings for granted. Things are always going to be about the bigger picture and outlook. I pray to You that You will continue to protect us, to keep us safe, to shield us from disaster, to remind us every day that when we have You on our side, we have nothing to fear or be anxious about. You are in ultimate control. You plan every single step of the way in my life. Don't let me lose sight of that in 2021, or ever again. Thank You for always loving me unconditionally.
Thank You for being mine.
Here's to 2021. May this year bring us closer together.
Amen.
